12.28.2013

unlikely ramblings on the idea of babies, maternal instincts, and theconcept of time

Thinking I'd never get married went hand-in-hand with ditching the motherhood idea. Especially with the resounding echo of medical wisdom on fertility, I figured I'd never even make it to the altar in time to have a baby any way. It helped that I've never had much of a maternal instinct. I've never been the girl who asks to hold a baby. To me, it's like walking into your house and asking to eat a steak off your fine china--awkward, kind of presumptuous, and you just know I'm gonna drop it.

So, I was just as surprised as anyone when my biological clock went off. 

It wasn't sudden. It was like those alarms that start off soft then progressively get louder. It's just an awareness that comes from within. Now, before I start, I know all about social constructs, psychological cues, etc.. Much like when all your friends are married and you're single, you want to get married. But this is different. It's internal. Biological. Primal, almost. It can barely be articulated into words. Your body just suddenly says, "It's time," and your mind, despite all its logic and reasoning, cannot rationalize it.

The circumstances could be better. I'm turning 36 next year. I'm smack in the middle of my doctoral studies. I'm a full-time student, and my husband wants to go into the ministry; ergo, we aren't exactly in consideration for Forbes' 500 list. By the time we'd be truly settled in our careers, baby-making is even less ideal than it is now.

But I hear the call... or rather, the clock. I look at my husband and see every day what a great father he'd make, especially to a pair of sons. I can't help thinking about all the things that I'd teach someone if I had them from scratch. How to love God even when the journey gets rough. How to be good to yourself and how to seek out the good in others. That and a simultaneous appreciation for the Beatles and the Stones... this kid would be set.

~jennifer. 

2 comments:

  1. I can't wait to see those babies! I vote for one of each (cause that's how it works, ya know!)

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  2. I was never a baby girl either. In fact, I remember begging my mom for a hysterectomy in early adolescence! I've enjoyed holding exactly one baby in my life ... my own. That said, I don't think there's ever a "good time" to have a baby. You'll know when it's time ... and it sounds like you do. :)

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